This photo makes me very happy. It does. No, not because it has the name of my new show - or my dream man in it. Although, I will admit it makes a great poster for the lobby, Mr. Harris!
The show is coming along great! I have almost put together all the pieces - and am fine tuning.
Getting past all the drama of the last two months has come to an end, too. As I suspected it had less to do with losing anything of value than it did having to let go of my hopes and plans.
I got better ones now that I have set my sights on what I truly want this time.
In retrospect - with vodka and soda on hand - I seem to have been through every category of man on the planet now - older, younger, smarter, not so much so, long-distance, boy-next-door, buff, fat, poor, wealthy - so I have decided that my happiness lies in the "talented and unattainable" category.
No. Nope Nyet. I will not say unattainable. I am Candi-Freaking-Milo - I may meet the guy and he will absolutely flip over me. Who knows? Well, I do, but we're trying to let Stanley in on it a little at a time right...so let's keep it on the down low shall we?
Every time I look at this photo my heart melts a little. Geez, my poor heart has been through a lot in the past two months! But I look at this photo and I feel! I actually feel. I feel happy. I feel home. It feels right.
Yes. It feels right.
What makes me happy when I look at this photo is having a handsome man's arms around me - in that way. A way that is both protective and claiming - yet it is loose enough for me to run if I choose, or turn and face him and claim him right back.
His face buried in my hair also makes me happy. As if he believes I am beautiful and funny and smart and all his - and ain't he the lucky dog. As if he is saying, aren't we lucky after all we have been through to find each other?
The smile on his face tells me he is there because he wants to be.
And in a picture that semi-promotes a show I am writing about my vibrant dating life - ok the one in my head - I get to face forward and be center stage. I am not looking up longingly into his eyes, ala Nancy Reagan with Ronny. I am not standing beside him, with the requisite right shoulder slightly behind his. I am not being dragged by the hand in a mock send-up of holding hands. No. I am happy and confident. Facing forward. Knowing that there is someone right behind me, holding me. And if I choose to not be the tower of strength I have had to be of late - I can lean back and let him make the pasta tonight.
I know, he's pasted in.
But that's ok. Because I believe in the power of manifestation. Manifesting - taking the strength of your spirit, your highest and best, and the pure intent of your essence and willing it forward unceasingly to reach your heart's content. It goes beyond 'The Secret' - the laws of attraction - like begets like - act as if and you will create that.
No, I believe that if we concentrate and plan on something hard enough, with enough gracious intent, that we can actually bring it to fruition. We can manifest it. Some may scoff but love is mine to bring into my world and I deserve to love someone who finally and unconditionally loves me back.
I can create love in my life. I just had to know what it looked like first. What it felt like. And this picture takes my breathe away. It is all that I want in life. I am not as deranged as you may think - to believe it will actually be Stanley Tucci (it will be) - but I will create the feeling in my life that this picture gives me - with a man of my choosing. I will not settle for less than this ideal of love, this photo that captures two happy people who both want to be right where we are. We both are devilish and clever and happy. That is attainable.
I think you begin to manifest by making a list of priorities in aspects of your life - the kind of list that matters. I did this in an earlier post - where I declared what I want next time! We're not talking wealth,height, intelligence...etc. We are talking qualities of your life that will be fulfilled and made whole by being seen to by another. In my case, Stanley Tucci.
Safety. Warmth, Strength. Humor. Trust. Stanley. Passion. Intelligence. Tucci. Wit. Stanley. Joy.
Then you think about how you relate to these qualities. What can you do every day to bring your fondest dreams into reality? What part of every day of your life do you appear to be someone who naturally draws these things to you? Again, not lipstick, blush, push-up bra. OK. That does work. But I mean...when you enter a room do people notice? Do you make sure they do? Do you believe they do? Do you let them know by your grace and stance and stature that you have arrived? Do you look everyone in the eye and smile?
By belief we can all create what will attract and manifest the things we want. And when you believe, all the while chant...Does anyone here know anyone who knows Stanley Tucci that they can introduce to my friend Candi Milo? Or something like that...
I went into my fabulous gym today and worked out with a Bronx boy trainer - kill me - I looked up at God like this had to be the BIGGEST cosmic joke on the planet - who put me through the wringer.
Apparently I need to lose 975 pounds and must give up starving myself and the crying jags. I will work on it.
It's neat the way facing your fears has a way of healing you. Already I feel 90% - and the inventory of fault and blame has been fairly taken and wrapped up. The whole thing? Not a mistake - but not a move I would make again.
It isn't this picture.