Tuesday, February 16, 2010

At First I Was Afraid I Was Petrified...

Until I realized I had been dealing with losers all my life
I had spent my very last night thinking how you done me wrong
And I grew strong...I learned how to play mah-jongg

Why is it that in every movie where someone has had love gone wrong Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" blares? Like that's the anthem for every single person. Not every love ending is about surviving. Sometimes it's about walking away. About saying, that's not ok. It's not good enough. You are fine...but over there...I am fine...but over here.

I had a Valentine's Day. We all did. Yes, I had a break up, but it only made the day easier to get through - because believe you me, Valentine's Day was created for the person I broke up with - someone who is in love with being in love and only feels loved if it is expressed in front of everyone - thereby validating his experience.

Actually I was happy not to feel anything but happy that I don't look good in pink. I actually forgot it was a made-up holiday halfway through it! I survived the day. I actually did more than that. I had a great day! I vowed to myself to be alone - if in fact - the only option available to me is a relationship that makes me feel more alone than being alone actually does. And yes. Those are the kind of sentences that precede the question...table for one? But I don't care. And you knew that.

Yesterday I read the most horrible blurb about the most horrible book I had ever seen. The book is called Marry Him: The Case For Settling for Mr. Good Enough.

Why?!?!?


What on Earth would make you think that living with someone that does not meet your standards is better than being alone and living a full life outside of Hallmark prescribed holidays? The author jokingly talks about looking on social dating services and answering winks sent by "Sheldon2", the men she would have dismissed before turning 40.

Why?!?!?


Boy is she going to sell a lot of books to frightened women my age. I have been there.

Actually, I have been everywhere. Single. Loved. Engaged. Married. Divorced. In lust. And back again. And I can honestly say that the lowest time of my life was lying next to someone and feeling completely alone. In all my states of entanglement I have felt that at one time or another. It is when the loneliness overrides the feelings of togetherness that that state of being entangled unravels. I find if one can live amid the raveling and spools and messiness they provide - another chance for entwining happens.

I would rather wait. I would rather be alone than settle. Of course, the author was talking about kind of bizarre and artificial hoops she hoped some schmo would jump through for her - but I think that makes her an ass rather than a newly enlightened being. So maybe all the rest of the women with height requirements or job requirements that take precedence over intelligence, chemistry, humor and heart need her book. She apparently needed to write it. I don't know if I need to read it. But I won't.

For I would rather be alone than unloved. I would rather be alone than disregarded. I would rather be alone than be forced to acquiesce, pretend or search for the polite way to put things.

When I was a little girl I took a Cosmo magazine test called, "Would You Rather Be Right or Loved?" Guess.

I find that, when you feel right, there is someone you love helping you to feel that way. I have never felt the two sensations were mutually exclusive. And I am never wrong. Which makes me very happy.

I had a great shrink that once said, "anyone can get married, if they set their sights low enough." This always made me laugh. I wish they had that bubble to fill in on my Cosmo quiz, because I knew it even then. I could have had my pick of booger-picking boys growing up if only I could just play along. I never could. I went to dances alone a lot. But you know what, I learned to love to dance alone. I still do. And I am still looking for someone who can dance beside me.

I went out with great friends on Valentine's Day night and watched the movie Valentine's Day - in which every Valentine's Day scenario I have ever lived through was reenacted on the big screen. My friends and I gagged over the schmaltz and poor under five casting which included Garry Marshall himself.

I left the theater saying that the best February 14 I have ever spent was at Walter Reed Hospital with our returning warriors doing stupid voices and putting a smile on their and their children's brave faces.

Here's my life's anthem...

I get knocked down but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down - Chumba Wumba

You know you love me - Candi

7 comments:

Gerry said...

Candi: as always, a great blog! I wonder how many lives have been screwed over by settling for anyone (or anything) in order to conform to outside pressure. Hopefully, the author of that dum-dum book will get nailed by a hefty dose of reality, and write a second volume that forces her to retract her "give in" views.

As for the CandiAnthem, I think some Nick Lowe can be added to it:

I've been a lot of things, but I've never been a quitter-
I'M A BORN FIGHTER!

And you certainly are, Candi. Keep up the good fight.

Gerry

Gerry said...

Candi: as always, a great blog! I wonder how many lives have been screwed over by settling for anyone (or anything) in order to conform to outside pressure. Hopefully, the author of that dum-dum book will get nailed by a hefty dose of reality, and write a second volume that forces her to retract her "give in" views.

As for the CandiAnthem, I think some Nick Lowe can be added to it:

I've been a lot of things, but I've never been a quitter-
I'M A BORN FIGHTER!

And you certainly are, Candi. Keep up the good fight.

Gerry

Lee said...

That blog says everything I feel, Candi.
(Re that book: It's amazing the dreck that gets published these days, isn't it? How many trees got sacrificed for it, I wonder.)

Giselle said...

You know your ex is getting married, right?

Candi Milo said...

My ex-husband is already married, Giselle, and has been for years. I assume you're talking about him. He is my only ex. I hope you liked the blog! :)

Lee said...

And I just heard a report that they're going to make a sequel to "Valentine's Day" called "New Year's Eve," to be released at the end of 2011. No kidding. Lord, save us from bad movies...

Lee said...

Well, of course we love you, Candi - how could we not?